If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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