I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
