i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
