ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
