In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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