I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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