Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
