One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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