I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
