It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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