I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
