This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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