We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize