hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
