do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
