1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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