I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
