Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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