she was so not down for the gang bang
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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