my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
