i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
