I should be sponsored by Trojan
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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