you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
