Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
