If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
