u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Alive.
So much puke
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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