really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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