You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
