Its about making memories worth repressing
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
