I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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