You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
