Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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