I am puke
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
