where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
