All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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