Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
