I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
