i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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