Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
