I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
