So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
