Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
