you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My balls are so social today.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
