He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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