PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
