so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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