I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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