I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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