I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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