Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
