Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
