this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
