My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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