saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
