I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize