I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
