at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
