Buhtt sex?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
