I will die if light touches me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
