The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
