remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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