There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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