Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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