Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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