You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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